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Margaret and Helen: Republicans are nuttier than squirrel shit. #Resist

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I FREAKING LOVE THESE LADIES!!!!

Republicans are nuttier than squirrel shit. #Resist

Margaret, if you want to know just how deplorable Trumpsters are, this week they elected two indicted criminals, a Nazi and a dead brothel owner.  And the fact that most people reading this are asking themselves “which Nazi?” is just bat shit crazy.  To be honest, it could have been multiple Nazis, but it’s getting harder and harder to tell the difference between a GOP Congressman and a Nazi these days. Some might be just your run-of-the-mill racists. You know what they say about old, white men standing in front of a flag, pledging allegiance to Donald Trump… they all look alike.

A dead brothel owner.  I’m sorry.  I just had to say that again. The party of family values elected a dead pimp. Bless their hearts but Republicans are nuttier than squirrel shit.

Now, I know that some of you Democrats out there, especially in Florida, Georgia and Texas, are filling a bit blue today and not in a good Blue Wave way. We’re feeling blue because we fell in love with Andrew, Beto and Stacey and hoped that racists in red states would be standing in line at a Cracker Barrel instead of a polling station.  Damn you Cracker Barrel! What happened to your all-you-can-eat chicken fried opossum steak on Tuesdays?

Honestly, it was going to be an uphill battle and we got a bit ahead of ourselves. After all, this is Florida, Georgia and Texas we are talking about. They are GOP red mixed with a little scarlet, crimson, cardinal, ruby, magenta, brick, carmine, rose, vermilion, cerise, coral, and burgundy. The fact that Beto was even in the hunt and the other two are still too close to call is pretty amazing.  Sure, it stung. But we really do have a great deal to celebrate. We took back the House. Our wave was big enough to overcome gerrymandering and voter suppression, sending several hundred state and federal members of the GOP packing.

If you are feeling a bit down, maybe this will pick you up. Here are a few of my favorite casualties:

Karen Handel.  Remember her? This homophobic, she-devil in wolf’s clothing managed to destroy the otherwise stellar reputation of the Susan G Komen Foundation when she picked a fight with Planned Parenthood.  Komen recovered somewhat but it never returned to its former glory. Well, now a Democrat in Georgia named Lucy McBath is my new favorite person and Georgia’s 6th Congressional District’s newest Representative.  Kiss my ass Karen. The only organization I liked more than Komen was Planned Parenthood and you damaged one in order to attack the other.  Don’t mess with Planned Parenthood. Ever. By the way, McBath ran on more gun control… in Georgia.

Kim Davis.  This walking hairball in need of a hairstyle became famous in Kentucky for refusing to give marriage licenses to same sex couples, claiming Jesus told her to hate people. She then crashed a party pretending to be the Pope’s BFF and became the white trash darling for white trash religious nutjobs everywhere when she traveled to Romania to fight gay marriage there.  Wait.  What?  Listen, folks.  The cheese slid off this gal’s cracker years ago. Thank goodness that Kentucky Democrats dropped a house on Kim.  To be honest, she lost by less than 700 votes, but that was to be expected considering she was related to, married to, divorced by and otherwise had children out of wedlock with a sizable percentage of the male voting population in the county.  Hypocrisy is what the GOP now calls a family value.

Jason Lewis.  I bet you don’t remember this asshat from Minnesota’s 2nd Congressional District unless you’re a slut… I mean a woman… I mean a slut.  Lewis complained that political correctness had gotten so bad that he couldn’t even call a woman a slut anymore without getting in trouble. He lost to Democrat Angie Craig.  I don’t know you Angie, but I love you regardless of what Jason is most assuredly calling you at this moment.

Jack Phillips.  He’s probably the most famous baker in Colorado, but not because his cakes taste good, bad or otherwise.   Jack is the Colorado Baker who refused to bake a cake for a gay couple and took his argument all the way to the Supreme Court.  He then tried to sue the Governor of Colorado because he didn’t want to bake a pink and blue cake for a transgender woman. Guess what?  Jack now has a new Governor in Colorado.  His name is Jared Polis and he’s gay.  Please, please, please Governor Polis, order your inauguration cake from Jack if for no other reason than shits and giggles.

Kevin Yoder.  I know nothing about this congressman from Kansas except he was a Republican in Kansas, which is rarely a good thing. He lost to a Native American woman named Sharice Davids. Now Sharice has a remarkable story and you should read about it.  But I don’t want to talk about that now because I am being a little selfish. I just want to sit a minute and imagine Donald Trump watching Fox News on Tuesday when they gave a Democratic pick up seat to a woman who happens to be Native American and who also happens to be a lesbian and a mixed, martial arts fighter.  Ah! Sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found thee…  Sharice honey, if you meet the President, please kick him where it counts.

Barbara Comstock.  When Florida Parkland Students came to talk to her about gun violence, she refused to meet with them.  Barbara lost to Democrat Jennifer Wexton.  Bye, bye Barbara. Don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.

Listen.  I was sad.  I wanted Beto as much as anyone.  I really did. But here in Texas we picked up so many down ballot Democrats because of Beto that I don’t think being sad is an appropriate way to remember Beto, or Stacey or Andrew.  And maybe its not even over for Stacey who is still fighting the good fight. Good luck Stacey.  Every vote counts. But no.  We can’t be down. We have just too much to be excited about.

Chairman Elijah Cummings, House Oversight Committee

Chairman Adam Schiff, House Intelligence Committee

Chairwoman Maxine Waters, House Financial Services Committee

Chairman Richard Neal, House Ways and Means Committee

Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the woman who gave us the Affordable Care Act the last time she had that title

That is huge.  We took back the House and turned a huge section of the country blue, while Trump kept Georgia, Florida and Texas red… barely.  We changed everything.  He changed nothing.

Maybe the Blue Wave wasn’t as big in some parts of the country as others. As it swept from east to west across the country like an invading army of immigrants… no wait.  As it swept from east to west, it hit patches of gerrymandering and mountains of voter suppression.  But it indeed swept across the country no matter how large or small it seemed at times.  One thing we know for sure, if left unchecked, Trump could bring out the worst in all of us.  And sadly, he’s proud of that. But then again, he’s an idiot.  The blue wave came, and it was big enough.  I mean it. Really.

Atheists

Margaret and Helen introduce the COVID19 Quarantini. It’s strong enough to make you think Obama is still President and will knock you on your ass from 6 feet away. #SocialDistancing

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I am a former drunk. Haven’t touched a drop since 2005. But this? I damn well would drink right now.

Margaret and Helen introduce the COVID19 Quarantini. It’s strong enough to make you think Obama is still President and will knock you on your ass from 6 feet away. #SocialDistancing

Margaret, I’m sorry to say that the Social Distancing diet is fattening. My ass is almost as big as Trump’s ego, but easier to view if I do say so myself. The man gave himself a 10 out of 10 for how he has handled this. Really? Try to get tested right now. Just try. In my book the grade is zero which is also the number of tests you are going to find unless you are in another country or a professional basketball player.

Over a week ago he told us “Anyone who wants a test can get a test.” He repeated that statement more than once. That’s odd because yesterday the Governor of Texas announced that 15,000 tests would be available by the end of the week. The end of THIS WEEK. Texas has a population of 30,000,000. That’s 30 million.  1 test for every 2,000 Texans… but anyone who wants one… Math seems to be hard for the GOP.

Until this week Fox News continued to tell people it was all a Democratic hoax. But yesterday Trump said he knew it was a Pandemic a long time ago which is odd because he told everyone at his last rally that it was a Democrat “new hoax”. Either he was lying to all his supporters then or he’s lying to all Americans now. Well, I’ve got news for all those Trump supporting Fox News viewers. You are in for a real surprise when you head to the grocery store for toilet paper this week.

Trump also calls this the Chinese Virus because  finding blame for a pandemic is very Trumpian. He blames everything on Mexico, China, Obama or fake news. It’s as if he hasn’t been President for over three years. You know what Obama had to do with COVID19? Nothing. Honestly, if this really was called the Chinese Virus it would have a Trump clothing label on it and his moron of a first daughter would be trying to get it trademarked. The man has no shame and the sense God gave a goose.  My apology to geese.

A real President would have declared COVID19 a public health emergency within a week of the first US case being detected. In a fully functioning government, the first test to detect the new virus would have been approved by the FDA two days later and shipments of the new CDC test would have gone out within 2 weeks. You know – EXACTLY HOW THEN PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA HANDLED THE H1N1 VIRUS.

But not Donald Trump.  It’s over two months since the first case in the US and we are just now getting any type of major testing underway.  Asked whether he took responsibility for the apparent lag in widespread testing, Trump said, “No, I don’t take responsibility at all because we were given a — a set of circumstances, and we were given rules, regulations and specifications from a different time.”

Well I call BULLSHIT.  This Asshat fired the U.S. pandemic response team in 2018 to cut costs.  And that is a fact.  Here are some other facts:

December 31: Health officials in Wuhan, China, post a notice about investigating a pneumonia outbreak. The World Health Organization (WHO) acknowledges that it “was informed of a cluster of cases of pneumonia of unknown cause.”

January 14: Two cases of Coranavirus (COVID19) reported in the US.

January 21: Dr. Nancy Messonnier, a senior CDC official handling the response to respiratory diseases, tells reporters, “We do expect additional cases in the United States and globally.”

January 22: Trump says he isn’t worried that the outbreak could turn into a global pandemic, “We have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from China, and we have it under control. It’s going to be just fine.”

January 24: Trump posts his first of many misleading tweets about the coronavirus. He praises the Chinese government for its “transparency” handling the outbreak and says, “it will all work out well.”

January 25: The WHO says there are more than 1,000 confirmed cases worldwide.

January 31: Two weeks after the first reported cases in the US, Trump administration declares a public health emergency in the United States because of the coronavirus and blocks foreigners who visited China from entering the country.

February 1: The WHO says there are more than 10,000 confirmed cases worldwide.

February 6: The WHO says there are more than 25,000 confirmed cases worldwide.

February 7: Trump tweets that China “will be successful” in stopping the coronavirus, “especially as the weather starts to warm & the virus hopefully becomes weaker, and then gone.”

February 10: At a political rally in New Hampshire, Trump mentions the coronavirus and says it “looks like, by April, you know, in theory, when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away.”

February 14:  One month since first reported cases in US

February 15: The WHO says there are more than 50,000 confirmed cases worldwide.

February 19: The WHO says there are more than 75,000 confirmed cases worldwide.

February 24: Trump tweets, “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”

February 25: Messonnier, the CDC official, says it is inevitable that the coronavirus will spread in the US and that Americans need to prepare for disruptions to their daily lives.

February 25: Trump tells reporters during his trip to India that the virus is “a problem that’s going to go away.”

February 26: At a White House press conference, Trump contradicts the assessment from the CDC that the virus will definitely spread throughout the US. Trump says, “I don’t think it’s inevitable. I think that there’s a chance that it could get worse, a chance it could get fairly substantially worse, but nothing’s inevitable.”

February 27: The WHO says there are more than 82,000 confirmed cases worldwide.

February 28: At another political rally Trump tells supporters, “The Democrats are politicizing the coronavirus. They’re politicizing it.” Then Trump called the coronavirus “their new hoax.”

February 29: Health officials in Washington state announce the first coronavirus death inside the United States. Forty-six (46) days after the first reported cases in the US, Trump conceded that “additional cases in the United States are likely.”

March 5:  Vice President and Chief Brown Noser Mike Pence admits we don’t have enough tests.

March 6: Trump lies (again) and says “Anyone who wants a test, can get a test.”

March 14: Two months since first reported cases in the US.

March 18: Sixty-four (64) days after the first reported cases in the US and we are still asking “Where are the tests?”

March 19: Global cases approach a quarter of a million. Cases in the US approach 10,000. Over 150 Americans have died. Many Hospitals report that tests are arriving broken or with incomplete parts.

(Sidenote:  My idiot Senator from Texas, John Cornyn – the other idiot Senator from Texas I should say – says that viruses like Swine Flu are China’s fault because they eat weird food. He then goes home to have some bacon-wrapped jalapenos and bison burgers. At the same time Ted Cruz emerges from self-quarantine but admits that he was never tested. Ted Cruz doesn’t play basketball professionally and I guess beating Jimmy Kimmel doesn’t get you a free test kit.)

We are all now hoarding toilet paper and social distancing. Millions of people are sheltering in place. Schools and universities are closed. Tens of thousands of Uber and Lyft drivers, artists, theatres, restaurants, clubs, small businesses, large businesses will go under. The stock market is heading south faster than my friends Marvin and Fannie Stein do from New York in October.  And our Supreme Leader Trump is most concerned about saving the Cruise Ship and Airline industries. The man is an asshat.

Contrary to popular belief, I was born after the 1918 Spanish Flu pandemic.  I’m really not sure what to tell you.  I would imagine, however, that social distancing means it’s ok to drink alone.

Helen’s COVID19 Quarantini

1-part vermouth

19 parts gin

Garnished with a Vitamin C tablet

Served Chilled with Hand Sanitizer

The world is indeed a bit crazy these days, but we can all get through this together… even if that means we must be apart for a while.  I mean it. Really.

Coronavirus, Donald J Trump

Margaret and Helen: I’d give anything to ask Trump this question about cheesecake… #COVIDIOT #ConronaUpdate #2Trillion

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What is really funny about this is? I actually worked at the Cheesecake Factory and trust me, with what they paid us? They do not need any damn help, they need to pay their workers higher livable wages is what they need to do.

Margaret, they passed a $2.2 trillion dollar stimulus package. For years we’ve complained about failing schools, homelessness, hunger, affordable healthcare, clean water, clean air… Who knew that the real problem was the Cheesecake Factory not able to pay its April rent?

One trillion dollars is a big number. Very big. At first, I thought it was a hundred billion, but I was a zero off. It’s one thousand billion or 1,000,000,000,000. How does one get their head around 1,000 billion? Is one million million better? Twelve zeros. Wow.

Well, it’s a butt load of money for sure. And we got $2.2 trillion. And by we, I mean corporations.

I know. I know. A bunch of people are saying “But we’re all getting a check for $1,200.” Well not all. But a lot of us will. So yes. The American taxpayer finally got some relief. Twelve hundred for everyone is a lot of money.

Or maybe not…

Less than half of Americans pay taxes. Mainly because some people, mostly dependent children, don’t work. And then some taxpayers make more than the $99,000 (three zeros) limit. And let’s face it. If your paycheck has that many zeros, you don’t need a stimulus check. You’ll be fine. <insert sarcastic granny emoji here>

But see, here’s the deal. Remember that $2.2 trillion dollars? With that many zeros you could just cut a $6,000 check for EVERY American no matter how old. That’s $24,000 for a family of four. Hell, you could give everyone $3,000 and still have $1.2 trillion dollars to save the airlines, cruise lines, and the Kennedy Center. That’s $12,000 to a family of four and you still have $1,200,000,000,000 leftover to give to businesses.

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I’d give anything to ask Trump this question about cheesecake… #COVIDIOT #ConronaUpdate #2Trillion