Don’t Worry, America, Jared Kushner Is Going to Save You From COVID-19
By Molly Jong-Fast
Wednesday, during the latest installment of his daily briefings that have become must-see TV, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo said he spoke with Jared Kushner. You know Kushner—the president’s son-in-law. The president’s son-in-law is a member of the president’s COVID-19 taskforce, but he is not a doctor or an elected official. In fact, Jared has no experience handling pandemics, or any medical background whatsoever. Jared Kushner doesn’t know about science or medicine but Cuomo must appeal to him for help from the federal government.
And that’s not the only place the president’s son-in-law has popped up the last few days. One of the biggest questions we’ve all been puzzling over is, why won’t the president invoke the wartime Defense Production Act to force companies to make ventilators?
He “signed two executive orders citing provisions of the Defense Production Act” but then refused to use those provisions. Later it was revealed that Trump refused to use the wartime law “reportedly after corporations successfully lobbied his top adviser and son-in-law, Jared Kushner.” Meanwhile, Cuomo holds continual pressers that have the same refrain again and again: “We need the federal help, and we need the federal help now.”
As the pandemic fills New York City’s morgues, the president has decided to bring in the very best and smartest people. For Donald Trump, that’s his son-in-law, Jared Kushner. And it just makes sense, since Jared has already brought peace to the Middle East and innovated America within an inch of its life with his office of American innovation. Now it’s time for the young slumlord to once again fail upwards. This time, hundreds of thousands of American lives are at stake, but I mean, Jared did go to Harvard (via a $2.5 million donation), so…
First, Jared explained to his father-in-law that the media was making too much of the whole pandemic thing. “Mr. Kushner’s early involvement with dealing with the virus was in advising the president that the media’s coverage exaggerated the threat,” according to The New York Times. Sounds like Kushner agreed with Lou Dobbs—you know, Fox Business Channel’s Lou Dobbs, who’s in quarantine right now because he was exposed to liberal hoax COVID-19.
But wait, there’s more. It turns out that Jared is as good at handling a pandemic as he is at Middle East peace. First, he asked his brother’s wife’s dad for advice on handling the outbreak. Dr Kurt Kloss (father of model Karlie) wrote on Facebook, “If you were in charge of Federal response to the Pandemic what would your recommendation be. Please only serious responses. I have direct channel to person now in charge at White House and have been asked for recommendations.” I mean it makes sense, since he’s a doctor and Facebook is a highly regarded and peer-reviewed medical journal.
Then Jared got going on what he does best, innovation. You’ll recall that error-filled Oval Office address, followed by the error-filled Rose Garden address, and the promise, as the Times reported, that “Google had developed a coronavirus testing website that did not exist. Mr. Kushner was deeply involved in both efforts, and had sold his father-in-law on the website as a smart concept.”
This fiasco ended with Dr Deborah Birx holding a large poster board of a Google testing site that doesn’t exist. But that was a week ago. Since that innovation, we learn that Trump has pivoted to an Easter society-restart date. and Jared may have had his hand in that too. As Vanity Fair reported, “Jared is bringing conspiracy theories to Trump about potential treatments,” leading Trump to think he can ignore the person who actually knows about pandemics and public health, Dr. Anthony Fauci.
But Jared’s not the only one in the Trump family hoping to use the pandemic to grow their brand. Ivanka is trying her hand at being a coronavirus lifestyle influencer. When she came into contact with the Australian minister Peter Dutton and was sent home to isolate, Ivanka then suggested a faux -out with her children: “Staying home today w/ kids? Plan living room camp out!” she suggested on Tuesday, alongside a photo, taken a few years ago, of her hanging out with the children in a tent made out of sheets. Plan a menu & ‘pack’ sandwiches, salads (S’mores optional)! A fun activity that also brings family together for a meal!”
The irony is that Ivanka’s dad is famous for putting immigrant children in tent cities in the hopes of owning the libs. But Ivanka’s COVID-influencer lifestyle seems to have ended. She tested negative (there seem to be unlimited COVID-19 tests for the royal family) and is back at work in the White House doing whatever it is she does.
One might find the fact that one in 1,000 people in the New York City metro area are infected with COVID-19 terrifying. But not me. No, I have confidence that the president’s son-in-law will handle this with his usual competence. I mean, we have peace in the Middle East now so… Wait, we don’t? Oh well then. I would say we’re all in a lot of trouble. But if we survive, just think about how good this will be for the Trump brand and for Ivanka’s 2024 run. If we don’t die, that is.